On Sex, Marriage, Secrets, and Tricky Conversations
How a podcast conversation with Laurie Gerber changed the way I look at sex
My parents never taught me about sex. And I’m guessing if you’re from my generation, yours didn’t either.
Ironically I was born in the 70’s and the sexual revolution hadn’t exactly abated. But my parents (Dad Catholic, Mom Mormon), kept that topic hidden from us. A taboo topic. Is it a mortal sin to have sex before marriage? Probably.
I learned about it from my peers, from television, from movies. And eventually from sex education in school. I wish I could forget the disgusting video of childbirth (I’ll *never* let that happen to me)! And of course the discussions of “venereal diseases” (we didn’t yet know STDs as the term).
Sex was: yuck!
Who the hell wanted to do THAT?
All we understood were the spines, and pleasure was completely de-emphasized.
I also remember people talking about “wifely duties” and I wondered what that meant, exactly. They seemed boring and irritating, these mysterious wifely duties.
God forbid you enjoy any part of them.
But at the same time, conflicting messages from movies showed people falling madly in love with each other, being drawn together magnetically and beyond all reason.
While we knew on some level our parents had sex to create us, we also felt a little grossed out by that idea.
Of course, we knew the adults were lying to us on some level. Why would they need to make it seem so WRONG, so dirty to want sex or to have it? Mostly to prevent pregnancy, and to keep us from taking on more responsibility than our adolescent brains were designed for at that age, on a practical level.
Fortunately the topic is now less taboo, though with book bans proposed in many states, we see how tolerance for openness goes through cycles.
My own journey around this was charged with curiosity and mostly disappointment in my 20’s when I first had sex with a college boyfriend. The earth didn’t move. No angels sang. It was fun, and I enjoyed it. But I hadn’t previously understood the skill involved and the practice it required to truly experience it in a more fulfilling way.
It’s taken me into my late 40’s and a second marriage to truly appreciate the subtle (and not subtle) dynamics of sex in my relationship. And I need to thank Laurie Gerber, who had a conversation with me for the Somatic Wisdom podcast recently.
In discussing her own journey of a near divorce, she realized needed to commit to regular sex with her husband. She helped me understand marriage and partnership require a commitment to sex on the regular. When I told her I thought people might not want to have sex twice a week because maybe they didn’t have the same drive, she explained that it doesn’t matter:
My favorite mic drop moment (22 seconds) is linked here and I think it’s better in her voice, but I wanted to drop it here as well.
I have the sex because it makes my relationship great and it feels good. I don't have the sex because I'm driven. I also don't eat the cookie because I'm driven. I also don't go binge watch Netflix because I'm driven. I don't go by my drives. I go by my dreams.
This statement has changed how I think about sex in my own marriage for the better.
I mention in the episode how Emily Nagoski’s book (Come As You Are) helped me understand “spontaneous desire” versus “responsive desire” and how some of us have brakes that exceed our turn-ons. It’s an excellent resource if you want to understand the science and practical nature of this.
But Laurie’s point was on the intimacy and the relationship benefits of sex. And the truth is that many of us don’t do it because it feels a little like a chore. Also, if we haven’t been completely honest with our partner and we sometimes (ahem) fake orgasms because sex goes on a little long for us? Well then, time to ‘fess up!
What I loved about Laurie’s advice was that she has a specific protocol for a difficult conversation, and for me, sex qualifies. Talking to your mate, owning your struggles, and asking to hear their perspective feels vulnerable.
My Gemini rising monkey mind can make it difficult for me to slow down enough to actually enjoy sex. I get such a dopamine rush from learning, thinking, and creating things, that sex can feel disappointing.
In truth, I confessed to Laurie, what I enjoy most is the intimacy AFTER sex. The time of tender conversation after I’ve surrendered my body and vulnerability to this physical act is the sweet part for me. But we can’t get there when we don’t actually make time and space for sex.
In the past couple of years, things have been tense in our relationship because of the change in our financial patterns. After being the breadwinner for many years, the last three have stood in stark contrast. It makes my husband very nervous. As a result, our sex life has been less than optimal. Feelings of guilt and shame aren’t effective like good lube, do you feel me?
However, it occurred to me that when we build our “virtual” bunkers and don’t have sex, we miss an opportunity to reinforce how much we are in this adventure together.
Now this period feels like a trial that will help us build this skill of having difficult conversations, and coming out from hiding on what we’ve kept secret. It challenges what I learned in my family, where we keep secrets in order to avoid “hurting others’ feelings.”
I’ve known this is bullsh*t for a while now. But being able to apply it in my own marriage? It wasn’t happening.
Though I learned the art of a difficult conversation back in 2018, when I first had coaching with the Handel Group, Laurie’s examples helped me think about the process differently. I had learned it in a work context. Why not apply it to my own relationship?
It helped me to say, “This is a new skill I’m learning, and I want to work on it with you.” I was able to help my husband see that I want to remain close to him, and I want to brainstorm ways to make this easier for both of us.
He was happy about the commitment to have sex more regularly, and we both agreed that no matter what, we would remove the “blocks” to that. Then we also talked about issues or topics that engage the brakes, and those that lubricate the process, so to speak.
Laurie, thank you for this conversation. We are about to try a retreat this weekend as well. I’ll report back to you to let you know how it went. 💥
Love your transparency and vulnerability about sex! Thank you! I’ve been paying attention to my relationship to sex recently too and noticing when the desire is coming from a place of play, connection, soothing anxiety, pleasure or a chore. It has been helpful to listen to listen to my body and needs in that way so that I can be more intentional.