2nd marriage as maturing constellation

Coming clean about obsessions and affairs for deeper intimacy

Tuesday A.M. - 5 Sept 2023:

“Let me see what’s on your phone!” my husband growls after a terrible night of sleep on the couch.

I look up, surprised, coffee in front of me, sleepy and disoriented. Journal in hand, and midsentence, my eyes turn toward him.

We are at our cabin in Schroeder, Minnesota. There is no electricity or running water, though our propane stove provides the fire for my morning brew.

I hand over the phone, which has no signal and no wifi in this location. It’s common for me to track things on my phone: steps, times when I take my focus meds (ADHD, y’know?), and recently, astrology wisdom from Chani.

I’m also podcast junkie. I admit it. Mainlining at 1.5x speed daily. I’m subscribed to a double-digit number of shows. While I try my best to limit and delete occasionally, these voices are part of my regular community.

My husband has a bee in his bonnet. He asks me what we are doing here, whether this dream we have to build a home here someday is something I care about anymore.

Then he asks if I’ve been having an affair.

I stare at him, shocked.

WTF? Where is this coming from?

I am aware in that moment that, after five weeks of Venus in retrograde, this planet has just gone direct. I also know that, with Mercury in retrograde, I want to be extra careful with my communication.

I take a deep breath and try to listen, despite my heart beating faster and my nervous system going into warning mode.

He tells me this home project, which we’d initiated in December 2019 with the purchase of land, has become his burden alone. He isn’t sure I still want to be involved. I am not pulling my weight in this endeavor, he tells me, by providing the kinds of funds I used to contribute to our shared household. He worked night shifts last winter, and he was tired.

The pit in my stomach wouldn’t let go.

Oh.

Crap.

For the first 10 years after we met, I was the breadwinner in the relationship. My income was double his at first, then triple after I received a couple of promotions within a couple years. But for the last three years (half our six year marriage) of the thirteen we’ve been together, I’ve had 5 figure years rather than 5 figure months like I used to have.

Early in the pandemic, I was released from a job where I knew I couldn’t stay, less than a year into my time at that role at a University. While it was a shock when I was let go, the decision had been emerging.

I’d received a glowing review from my boss four months into the role, but by month seven I saw how the initial impression of my responsibilities did not match the intentions of department leaders.

It felt like mercy to be provided three months of severance while the world was facing a global pandemic. I could stay home and teach online “Soma Restore” yoga for the acupuncture studio that hired me for twice weekly classes, the week before. Though three figure monthly paydays were not sustainable, I didn’t have to rush to find a job with the first severence of my adult life.

Facing him now, alert to his distress, I reassure him I still want to do this project. My Gemini rising charmer self knows he needs to hear me to commit to this effort. After a few minutes of affirming and talking, there are hugs. He makes breakfast.

We go on with our day. With my portable headphones out of battery, I focus more on listening to him rather than to my favorite podcasts.

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Wednesday A.M. - 6 Sept 2023:

I ask Clem how he slept last night, hoping it was better, after I got a juicy eight and a half hours.

“Not well.”

Uh-oh.

“I’m trying to figure out if we should stay married.”

Whaaaa?!?

The moon had just entered Gemini (my rising sign and sun sign). I was anticipating a Mercury cazimi (conjunction with the sun) supposed to lead to insight.

This was not the insight I wanted: your marriage is in jeopardy.

If I were a cat, my stare would have looked like this. (Photo by TERRA on Unsplash)

He asks to go down the hill to see what’s on my phone app. We are about 5 miles from Lake Superior. Our cell phones have very little signal until we are near Highway 61, close to the shore of what we refer to as the “Mother Lake.”

He tells me that I’m hiding something. He wants to know if I am committed to being together, to working together as a team.

My heart quakes with the notion that he doesn’t trust me.

What am I hiding?

I tell him about the Chani App. I open it, but of course nothing appears since we are offline. I tell him that ever since I’ve started learning about astrology after having a reading from my friend Patrick, I was hooked!

My natal chart and planetary information seemed to explain so much about my life that nobody had ever articulated. Surely that couldn’t be a coincidence, could it? I wanted to know how the transits accounted for certain struggles in my life, or could help me succeed in my coaching and writing practices.

Last Fall, during a call with my small business besties (BFF with Jenny Blake) Patrick had mentioned Mars was retrograde in Gemini for four months. I had recognized it was wreaking havoc on my nervous system. Along with the month-long international medication shortage, this allowed me to see that my ADHD was not, in fact, “cured” after 18 years of medical treatment. Sadly, it was more present than ever.

I had to understand what this natal chart was all about. Patrick kindly provided a recording of the two-hour session. I must have watched this video seven times in the next couple of months, marveling at how literal it all was. I’m pretty sure Patrick is highly intuitive, or maybe psychic, also. But there was also wisdom in the chart.

I explain to my husband that I had indeed begun a secret affair with astrology. I felt silly about it. I told him I was afraid of ridicule to admit this. He doesn’t listen to my podcast, so he had no idea I’d already invited Patrick to be a guest three times.

Another intense conversation. My heart knew I had to commit, or lose this relationship.

Over our usual campfire that night, I felt low and defeated, shamed. Maybe I couldn’t make this business work, and I’d have to get another full time job. After such a joyful experience with the freedom of self-employment, I felt like a truculent teenager: arms crossed, unwilling to comply. Not speaking much as we listened to our solar radio as the fire crackled.

Our fire ring on a day when we were trying to make progress on burning a stump. I’m also in love with the maples on this property, which you can properly see during the fall season.

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Thursday A.M. - 7 Sept 2023:

This time I didn’t sleep well.

I’ve been pushed into a corner, and my defenses are up while my mood is down. Our six year wedding anniversary is in ten days and my husband is not sure he wants to stay married.

The moon is still in Gemini. Can she assist me in communicating while we begin the trip home later that morning?

My journal reminds me: “Clem is not the tiger. He wants to work with me to figure this out.”

Over the campfire, he’d asked me where my self-belief and self-confidence went. I didn’t have an answer. It felt courageous to start a business, to bet on myself.

But making less than 20% of what I’d made in the last few years of my corporate work means I’ve been using retirement funds to pay for the land loan, along with the rent on our townhome.

The night before I told him I wanted to look at his birth chart someday. He willingly shared his birth time and place. The big rejection I’d expected over my silly obsession never came.

“People have been studying astrology for thousands of years. Why wouldn’t you have an interest in it?”

Wow. Okay.

My clinical researcher, science-educated self felt at once validated, and also humbled.

Maybe coming out about this obsession would help him know there wasn’t any other person I wanted in a romantic way. Maybe I could be my witchy, intuitive, whole self while being with him? Was that possible?

He woke up half an hour after me, after my morning pages were written.

“Do you want breakfast? I’ll go down the hill for it.”

Yesterday he’d made a wonderful breakfast with eggs, sausage, mushrooms, and hashbrowns.

This morning I was grateful for a little more solitude during his trek down to Schroeder Baking Company. Yummy breakfast wraps, a chocolate croissant, and much better coffee than the instant version at the cabin were mine in 20 minutes.

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Thursday, 7 September 2023: Late morning trip home

We are relieved to go. While we enjoy our escapes from the grid, the cabin bed is not as comfortable as our bed in the Twin Cities. I’m feeling tender from all the intense conversations, even though we’ve had more physical intimacy in the past week than in the past 2 months.

The moon is still in Gemini, so I’m pretty sure communication is on my side this time, even though Mercury still retrogrades through Virgo.

While he drives, I pull up a website app to figure out Clem’s rising sign, and to see where his planets dance onto the stage.

My goodness! Sagittarius Rising?!

7th house of partnership in Gemini (and of course, Saggitarius is my 7th house). Right on.

I had no idea. All this time, I’d known about the Libra sun (and he’s very much a Libra sun). This turned on a lightbulb for me somewhere deep in my subconscious.

A seesaw configuration with three quarters of his planets in the 9th-12th houses, mostly in grounded Virgo and sexy Scorpio?

Oh my goodness. Nothing like my planetary splash across 9 houses.

Yup. Fits.

I started “reading” to him what I could of the chart, without the handy Astrology for Real Life by Theresa Reed I hadn’t packed for this trip.

“Yes, that sounds right.” No skepticism in his voice. Just a matter-of-fact agreement.

He starts tell me about what he wants in our marriage, what he wants from our intimacy, what he would like in the bedroom. Thus begins a fun and flirtatious conversation in the next hour.

I put away my phone and charts. I listen closely, utterly fascinated by what this multi-dimensional, good-looking man is saying to me. I consider the miracle that we are together. We are expressing what we need and want.

I’m delighted that we are being more open than we have in months, possibly years.

Upon arriving home and pulling out trusty Theresa Reed’s Astrology book, I started reading to him about his planets and house placements.

Again, ninety percent on target. He’s satisfied with knowing the first few, the personal planets. But I read all of them, wanting to know him more.

Is Astrology real? So many people want to know.

I can’t answer that.

All I can say is that, when Venus went direct in Leo, and Jupiter went retrograde in Taurus, my husband declared he wanted me to recommit. With the moon also in Taurus, he was asking us to re-establish our foundations together.

The cazimi insight wasn’t a shimmering aha moment. It was a reality check. It was the wake-up call that I needed to reaffirm my commitment to our partnership.

Grateful that our planets aligned, and I was able to drop my weapons and listen. We want the same thing. That was the real insight.

We may not agree about how to get there, but we are willing to stay in the game. Time to upgrade my planetary software and internal architecture.

I’m in love again.