The Consistency Cult is Ableist and Harmful

Please stop shaming those who succeed in different ways.

Peruse any self-help book in the world and you will likely see the exhortation to be consistent in what you do.

Yup. Okay, thanks. Bye.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m a coach. I understand how forming habits (or consistent actions we take daily, weekly, etc) is very important to adulting and achieving our dreams.

I’ve developed some very consistent habits around journaling, meditating, and exercising and even podcasting that serve me very well.

And also, as I’ve gotten invested in careers that engaged me, like clinical research for 12+ years, I developed consistent habits around working hard. In fact, I probably worked too hard. Definitely I did, because it led to burnout.

When you’re burned out, consistency is not accessible.

And as I’ve come to learn, probably 25-40% of us, who work with conditions like ADHD, autism, anxiety, depression, and other “disorders” that affect mood and attention, our lack of consistency can be a deep source of shame.

Why is it everyone else seems to be able to do this “adulting” thing without all the challenges we have?

Ouch. That thought hurts. Which is why I’ve been deeply questioning it in recent years.

The first person to help me see how erroneous and harmful this belief can be was Kristen Carter, host of the “I Have ADHD” podcast. She explains that neurotypical people have a much easier time with consistency. Our very wiring makes it difficult to sustain routines (aka. drudgery) that bore us or become tedious. So what’s important is PERSISTENCE, not consistency.

Consistency is less attainable for us, unless we are extremely engaged with something. And even when we are engaged, our tendency to hyperfocus and overwork can mean we are a little more susceptible to burnout than neurotypicals.

For example, most of us understand that consistent bedtime routines are important. And probably 80% of the time, I remember and execute my wind-down habits to help me get a good night’s rest. I can think, process, and perform SO much better when I get at least 7-8.5 hours of sleep.

But probably once a month, I have a spate of days when I just cannot wind down. My brain gets all wound up about something, usually a positive thing, but occasionally a fear or doubt. And then I get less than 3-5 hours of sleep in a night. Ugh.

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The next day is usually pretty wretched. I have to remind myself (at least hourly if not more often) to have self-compassion. My body and mind are more sensitive than your average human. It’s a gift in many ways, when empathy and intution are heightened, or I’m on a roll with a project. And it can feel like a curse, at times.

Most of the time, I aim for a juicy 9-10 hours of sleep after my insomnia and I feel better.

But there have been times when I was “wired” for weeks at a time, getting less than 6 hours of sleep, and existing on what felt a thin thread of being.

Consistency? Only in your dreams.

Can we just be kind to ourselves and realize that perfect consistency just isn’t possible? Maybe 80% is good enough. Heck, maybe 60% is good enough.

For those of us with anxious and perfectionistic tendencies, that’s never enough. But if we can persist with our goals, even if we are not hitting the mark every single week, we eventually do prevail.

Is it consistent? No.

Is it still making progress on something meaningful to us? Yes.

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And in my experience, that is what moves the needle. It’s showing up, persistently. Maybe not every day. Maybe not every week. What if three out of four weeks of working toward our goals were enough? What if three days a week of sincere effort were enough?

Or maybe if we are going through a particularly difficult challenge, maybe only 2-3 hours a day five or six days a week is all we can muster. It’s still better than zero.

How can we create a world where we can allow for some inconsistency, knowing that when we are well-supported, our persistence will pay off?

How can we support each other better when we know we can’t be at 100% all of the time?

How can we use our somatic wisdom to let us know when resting and recovering is what we need rather than “pushing through” to burnout?

And if you’re a neurotypical person, we know you mean well when you preach consistency to us. You probably don’t know what a source of shame it is when we tell you that consistency going to be harder to predict for some of us. We wish it were different! Believe me.

If it were a matter of having the right planner, or the right morning routine, I’d be the queen of consistency! I’ve tried them all. They can help, but they never make my brain wiring line up with yours.

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When someone gets COVID-19 or suffers any other kind of illness that takes a chunk out of their consistency, do you shame them? I sure hope not.

However, we seem to think it is okay to shame those who do not conform to neurotypical standards where overwork is the norm. First of all, nobody should need to overwork. And likely your neurodiverse colleagues are GOING to overwork if they are responsible types like me.

They will also be less likely to ask for help and support, already feeling shame over their lack of consistency.

If you want to create safety with them, you might reassure them that EVERYONE needs help sometimes. Even neurotypical people. And perhaps there can be some complimentarity of tasks that helps ensure even an occasional lack of consistency won’t mean the house comes crashing down.

If your workplace is designed so that things come crashing down when one person is out sick, you’ve got bigger problems.

How can we approach workplace design so that persistence is rewarded, and lack of consistency isn’t seen as a moral failing, but rather, a very human probability?

Artificial Intelligence is said to embody some of the reliability and consistency goals that a lot of us lack. Well, awesome! How can we use A.I. to “fill in” the consistency that some of us lack? Or pair us with team members that can help pick up the slack when our mental bandwidth is strained.

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Please invite us to work on the types projects (often creative ones) where we thrive! Even if we deliver our unique brilliance 50-80% of the time, wouldn’t you prefer that to a big fat zero?

We have learned to be persistent (most of us) because we exist in a world that was designed for neurotypicals. We have had to bend and flex to meet the demand.

However, when this bending takes place so many times that we break, my contention is that something is wrong with the system, not with us.

Much love, and thanks for reading.