Embracing Our Inner Parts
No need to squash or belittle them. They are trying their best to help.
Part of me wants to go home right now, sitting here at my co-working office, noticing the snowflakes starting to cascade on the windshields outside. Get home, snuggle with the cats, and get cozy. I'll call this part Calvin.
Another part of me wants to write the newsletter on this day of the week, so I have time to edit the next day. It’s a fierce taskmaster. I sometimes call him “the dictator” because he’s very unhappy when I don’t follow his orders, even when I’m tired.
Yet a third part is my “big sis” persona, and she wants to do the responsible thing. Her wish is to keep me safe by making sure I head home while the roads are still safe. And she often mediates between the part that wants to offer me comfort, and the part that feels like the harsh taskmaster.
She’s what Internal Family Systems might call a “manager” part. I’m pretty sure she developed when I took on the responsible big sister persona in my family of origin, as the eldest of two daughters. While she probably over-functions a good part of the time, she also makes sure my bills get paid on time so I have good credit.
Calvin is content to do things that please him all day, especially when they are warm and cozy and comfortable. He doesn’t respond when the dictator cracks the whip, but he wonders why the dictator’s face bunches up like that. Big Sis is happy when she responds quickly to emails, but is a martyr when it comes to having fun.
My fully embodied Self knows that these impulse energies play roles and have priorities that compete with each other sometimes. She is patient with all of them, and compassionate with the parts they believe they need to play to keep my system going.
She is capable of evaluating the options and can think expansively enough to realize that the decision is not either/or, but can be both/and. I can pack up my things shortly, and head home before the snowstorm starts raging. And if I need to keep working in the comfort of my home, I can take some time to do that. Or if I need to adjust my timeline, she knows there is no hurry.
Just listening to Her soothing voice makes me relax. And when I feel relaxed, I begin to hear the wisdom of my body and make better decisions. The noise starts to die away, and though my cast of characters all want to have their say, she patiently reassures them that she’s grateful for their feedback. She helps them see that I will listen and be present, and then will make the best choice available to me.
Those who are familiar with Eckhart Tolle’s work are probably familiar with the “ego,” which is an entity that is characterized as the mind’s voice. However, the Internal Family Systems work of Richard Schwartz, PhD has gained tremendous acceptance as a more nuanced way to approach our internalized voices. He noticed in his practice that family systems affect the individual.
While treating patients, he noticed they would speak of “parts” of themselves as independent entities with sometimes conflicting beliefs and habits. This multi-dimensional view helped therapists and somatic psychologists better understand why clients might cognitively change beliefs but struggle to implement new behaviors.
When I understood this way of perceiving my internal system, it allowed for so much more self-compassion. I realized that each part has a sincere desire to help and are doing the best they can. And when I thank them for their hard work, and perhaps help shift their responsibilities, they were unburdened and more willing to cooperate with me.
They perceive me to be much younger than I actually am. And when they started to understand my age, experience, and wisdom, they began to let go of their grasp on my life. Not that they never go away permanently. But they only emerge in a situation that calls for more of their attention. That tends to be in times when I’m hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, rather than on a daily basis.
Susan McConnell’s Somatic Internal Family Systems Therapy holds much wisdom on the ways we can use somatic awareness, conscious breathing, mindful movement, radical resonance, and attuned touch to work with parts. When I’ve located parts in areas of my body, I’ve been able to find an anxious part in my chest and jaw. The dictator seems to hang out in my chest and head. While the big sis is somewhere near the base of my spine.
I’m grateful to them, all these parts that love me and want me to be safe and whole. And I will care for them by checking in regularly, and allowing them to contribute in new and creative ways. When I drop the resistance to listening to them, they seem to feel relieved and happy. Maybe someday I’ll throw them a party.
As the snowflakes fall a bit faster, I’m tipping my hat to the voice of Big Sis and I will head home, so that I can drive carefully and settle in with my book and some tea.
“You have time,” my wise Self says. “There is no hurry.” Again, I relax. She’s right.
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Do you ever get the sense that there are neglected parts inside you?
What do they look like? How do their voices sound?
Do they ever fight with each other (or you) and sabotage your efforts?
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Be well,
Cristy
P.S. If you enjoy reading this newsletter, you may want to check out the audio version of Somatic Wisdom, available in your favorite podcast app.