Better Living Through Chemistry
Taming my Unruly Brain and Body during a Worldwide Medicine Shortage
As of last Sunday, I have been off my meds.
If you heard that from someone with schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, or even depression, you’d probably be very concerned. And maybe you should be concerned. I’m still trying to decide if concern is the right reaction.
Maybe it’s annoyance.
Maybe it’s peace.
Nearly 20 years of medicine that “worked” for me. Twice yearly pee tests at my clinic, to be sure I wasn’t selling it to college students. Nope.
Wednesday I gasped when the pharmacist said “maybe mid-January?”
😱 😱 😱
I lived the first 29.5 years of my life without the assistance of this chemical support. It was a good life. Not without some impulsive decisions, and a few physical injuries that might have been prevented. Only one car accident.
We can never know what that other life might have been, the one where our struggles were recognized and validated. Not accommodated. Perhaps celebrated, as they were in the gifted and talented program.
This is what makes our lives interesting though, the struggles, the times when we were defeated. It’s what we all want to read about, these heroes’ journeys to what we eventually overcame, right?
My perspective on attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) changed after reading Divergent Mind. This is also known as A.D.D. for those of us who managed to “tame” our hyperactivity via anxiety.
Nerenberg turns the deficit disorder assessment on a new axis I hadn’t considered. Describing something from an inside, lived experience, rather than from observable outer characteristics.
Something in me shifted. Masking. Is that what took all the energy?
A new way to view the very male, and very white-centered medical model for what it is. Destigmatization of what can be gifts, and sometimes annoyances, depending on the location of the viewer.
During my 12 years in the clinical research industry, I had hidden my diagnosis from everyone but my closest friends. The times I went to the restroom to take a break? Sometimes I was reaching into my purse for my focus med. Other types, I just needed to integrate and catch my breath.
Can we please ban all meetings longer than 90 minutes?
Then the times I craved mental stimulation to the point where I could overwork and override my body’s signals for rest? Also brought to me by better living through chemistry.
How was it that I absorbed that message, coined by Dupont in 1935 and retired in 1982. Now the phrase is used in a more sarcastic tone, to critique our reliance on prescription drugs, or to joke about recreational use.
But I had swallowed this message when I was told to “suck it up” at work and school. We don’t care that you want to get away from the desk or computer, and that you need fresh air so you don’t suffocate from this old and stale thinking.
Was it a coincidence that I started Swarthmore as a chemistry major? I even took courses at Dupont Hall, and became a lab TA for the chem department.
Last September I felt the first impact of the nationwide shortage of Adderall. I was unprepared for the somatic effects. I’d had no time to prepare for it, and it was September, for god’s sake! Probably the worst time for me to go off meds, since for me, September is my January.
My husband blamed the college kids and those who are abusing it as a “study drug.” I felt shamed for this chemical assistance that helped me finish my master’s thesis at age 32, after years of writing in all directions.
Though hubby hadn’t intended shame, my first thought was this: I getting an unfair advantage by using this medicine for nearly two decades. Sometimes it still feels that way. My secret weapon. The reason I got promoted three times at Medtronic. The dirty secret that would someday be discovered and I’d be exposed as a fraud.
Forgetting the fact that proper treatment was one reason I defeated my 7-year depression cycle pattern. I never fell into the dark abyss again after learning how to manage ADHD while taking medicine. Adderall allowed me to access enough consistent executive function to teach myself skills to manage.
To me, it felt like a miracle drug. That fuzzy, overwhelming fog tasks and to do lists was clearer and more comprehensible. I could put things in order when I wrote them down. It was like getting my first eyeglasses in my 30s. I rejoiced that the details came back again, fine focus, and sharper edges.
Well-intentioned counselors advised me to keep my diagnosis secret. I wasn’t required to disclose unless it became necessary. Even though the Americans for Disabilities Act intends to protect, this is not how it works in the business world. Most bosses don’t have a good understanding of ADHD, so the stereotypes prevail.
I used to tell myself I could keep it under wraps. Someday when I’m a successful millionaire and don’t need to worry about employers, I’ll blow my cover.
Coach Laurie Gerber asked me in a conversation for the Somatic Wisdom podcast:
“What if you want to hire someone with ADHD because you kind of WANT someone who’s really creative and a genius?”
Indeed!
So I’m keeping it “real” these days, and allowing my body to flow with my energy. I use timers to remind myself to get up and take breaks. I walk twice a day. Outside air replenishes my spirit and my energy. I am trying acupuncture.
I drink many cups of vanilla spice perfect energy tea every day. In my younger days I could do the “hard stuff” (yum, coffee!). With my blood pressure less elastic than it once was, that’s no longer the solution for me.
This Gemini Rising brain may not conform to the neurotypical rules made up by companies to maximize their 8-hour factory shifts. I’m going to let it be for this month, and perhaps re-evaluate in January if necessary. Maybe I’ll write about it. Pinning words to the page has always been therapeutic.
If there is anyone out there who faces a similar challenge, please take good care. Get in touch if you need or want community. Connecting with others can also change our biochemistry in ways pharmaceutical companies would like us to forget.
Good luck to you. I came back to this after having seen it in my email. I was curious. I have been wondering how people are dealing with the supply chain issues. I recently took myself off synthroid. They tell you , if you are diagnosed with Hashimotos, that you will require it the rest of your life. Well that is simply not true. I was worried about the supply chains and suddenly didn't even trust that my meds would be what they are supposed to be (great distrust in Pharma). I was on the lowest dose possible, so I weaned myself off it. Having to stop suddenly would have been a WHOLE DIFFERENT story. I did have a few panic attacks and what I would describe as thyroid storms. I'll admit , it was a little scary, but I wanted to KNOW. And I didn't want to be dependent on Big Pharma for anything anymore if I could live without it. So then, I committed to a certain diet based on a book called Hashimotos, your root cause. Don't listen to the naysayers. Replace every negative thought with "you are okay, you are safe, I love you body". I recently spent a lot of money at a functional medicine doctors office and doing labs and guess what? My thyroid markers are exactly perfect in every category! Imagine that. I have also taken up going outside more, I am sure that's the ticket. Good luck to you in all you do. I wish you every success.