Ability, Disability, and Fluctuating Abilities
A Meditation on New Ways to see our Gifts and Limitations
A few weeks ago I visited my elderly parents, helping with a household chores. I’m fortunate that my sister has been providing care and errand support for them in recent years. My monthly-ish visits have offered a tiny respite to her, and I hope some relief.
I started to consider the notion that many of us will face a level of disability at some point in our lives. Whether it comes while we are recovering from a long illness, or facing changes in our bodies’ ability to move with agility and mobility, these fluctuations in ability are a reality.
The World Health Organization estimates that 1.3 billion people in the world experience disability in some form. Many of us, with pre-existing conditions defined as disabilities, face exclusions to healthcare insurance and barriers to most work environments.
When I was in 8th grade, I dislocated my knee during a high school gym class. My family has a history of “knee stuff” and my incident required surgery to remove a bone chip, and a realigning of ligaments. After my cast came off, I had 8 weeks of physical therapy to help me regain function in my knee joint. Fortunately I got back good functionality eventually, good enough to run a marathon at age 37.
While I was making my way around with crutches, I remember hearing comments from my classmates about my predicament. I was “hopalong catastrophe” and a few other terms I can no longer recall, probably a mercy. It was all in good fun, they thought, not realizing how much these remarks stung at the time. I knew I’d never make remarks like this toward someone with an injury, or with a permanent impairment.
My mother is in a larger-sized body. She struggles with a hearing disability, as well as periodic back pain. Due to biases about fat people, and weight stigma, she has often received less-than-optimal care from providers. No doubt my sister’s journey in the healthcare space has been informed by her sensitivity to this lack of care.
After my mother’s struggle with an injury that damaged her knees and hips, and at least six decades of dieting, I often want to just tell her to give up on it. Her body size is not ever going to change my love and gratitude for her and her generous heart. And yet her self-critical voice has been habitual for too many decades, that she cannot take in this feedback from me.
I have been on my own journey for the past ~18+ years of understanding my neurodiversity (ADHD specifically), I have been more aware of how this can give me a “hyperdrive” at times. In my younger days, this intensity could last for months or years. Good thing I found that exercise was the best medicine, and also have access to pharmaceutical support that’s extremly helpful.
In my late 40’s my body has me on a shorter leash. Increased wisdom about my own signals has helped me rein things in before I get to that fragile and ragged edge. I look back to my younger self, that 20-something woman, when I would berate myself for “doing it again” and taking on too much. I send her so much love, and so much forgiveness for absorbing society’s messages that she was “too much” and paradoxically “not enough” at the same time.
When her mind desperately wanted rest, she pushed on. When she saw what others were doing, and how they seemed to have more success, she pushed even more. She did not see how systemic racism, sexism, and ableism were influencing the outcomes. She did not see how the admonition to work twice as hard to get half as far trapped her in a never-ending cycle of overwork.
After she completed the marathon, due to the influence (dare I say pressure) of her running group, she returned to running 10-milers and the occasional half marathon. These satisfied the need to calm her brain from stress on long, cleansing weekend runs, to train for challenges outside of work, and to enjoy finish line camaraderie with closest friends.
Today her wise self is waking up to how nearly all of society is collaborating for us NOT to rest. In a world where productivity equals self-worth, where do people with disability or fluctuating abilities measure up?
We will never measure up, if that is our way of looking at the world.
Most of us have some ableism buried in our good intentions. If you’ve ever criticized yourself or wished you’d been able to get more done, be sure to question where that comes from.
Bodies come in all kinds of variations and abilities. Many of them are fortunate not to struggle with disability at the moment. I even question whether my “disability” is actually an enhancement for a world that needs us to pay attention to ecosystems rather than measuring dollars of productivity we can generate.
Of course, we all want to live up to some elusive “potential” that life coaches and product marketing tells us we are missing. And as a fan of self-development and personal growth opportunities, I will never criticize this impulse.
What if we asked:
How am I whole and complete in this moment?
How can I bring my whole consciousness to being where I am, and being grateful to be alive?
How can I use my gifts and respect my limitations in a way that aligns with my soul’s purpose rather than feeding a system that devalues us.